August 24th 2012
Driving back from our last trip to the beach, both of us still warm from the sun, he smiled at me.
“I had such an amazing time,” he sighed, content. “All expectations surpassed.”
“Me too.”I responded quietly. I thought back to the conversation we had earlier. Perched in sunlight and silence upon a huge rock that melted into the Mediterranean he asked me, “Why didn’t you end up with David?”
I surfaced from my blissed out state of unbelief that hadn’t subsided since my arrival. Marc would tease me daily, “Where are you?” he’d ask.
“In the Med!” I’d squeal, both of us laughing. Our little jokes never got old. I couldn’t believe I was in Ibiza.
Opening my eyes slowly… I couldn’t believe he was bringing up an old boyfriend. I sighed heavily, never sure our conversations were safe ones. What was his thought process? Not coinciding with mine, I knew.
I spoke slowly, carefully, “I loved him very much, but deep down I knew he wasn’t my person.” Saying it out loud a million years and miles away, the words resurrected that pull from my insides. I felt sad.
He was quiet for a minute. Then asked, “So, why don’t you believe me when I say that I know you aren’t my person?”
I didn’t immediately feel the impact of those words. Those words have ricocheted me from a fighter to a useless puddle a million time since; but in that moment, that space, it was just me and him, and he was telling me something important in a way that I could finally understand. In that moment, it was peaceful.
The sun was setting, my last one of the trip. My instinct was to fight for this, fight for this man that I loved with every bit of energy I had. Instead we sat, silent again watching the sun dip below the hills, the fight in me quiet. We had a million perfect moments together, how could this be the end?
I thought about our morning. He’d snuck out while I slept and driven all over the island scavenging the perfect breakfast, even buying a vase for a perfect sunshine replica gerber daisy. I’d held his face in my hands and kissed his forehead. “You have no idea what this has done for me.” He held my hand listening. You have no idea what this is going to do to me.” I knew the end of this would destroy me, but for now, I was settling with the sun, on a plateau of light and love.
We gathered our things and walked to the car. Driving through this magic place I tried to sear it into my memory. I wanted to remember everything. Suddenly, all of it clicked into place. It really was as simple as it sounded. He is not my person.
I looked at the man that I loved, “I want you to know, from the deepest place in my heart- that if you’re not him; if you’re not the one… That you pointed me in the right direction to find him. I’m not the same person I was when I met you.”
“That’s the most heartfelt thing you’ve ever said to me,” he smiled.
“I’m just so grateful for this”, I said, mentally pleading for him to understand the enormity behind my tiny little words. He’d wined and dined me all over the world. I fell deeply in love. I had lived a fairy tale, and it was ending. I felt like I was speeding in a car and realized there were no brakes. Devastation was inevitable, but god damn it I was enjoying the ride.
“You deserve it,” he charged uncharacteristically into the conversation. “You are such an amazing person, and you have so many good qualities. You deserve everything I can give you and more.” He paused to take my hand in his. “You are so special- and I think deep down you know that. You deserve everything.”
“That’s the most heartfelt thing you’ve ever said to me,” I smiled, happy tears wetting my cheeks. For the second time that day, we held hands so hard that it hurt when we finally let go.